Wednesday, September 21, 2011

maybe the words will be easier...

What a difference 24 hours can make.  I am in a much better "place" today!!  I have decided to be fully honest about our little experience, so here it comes!!  Feel free to stop reading now, I have no idea what is about to come out!

I was so excited for a girls weekend with some of my favorite moms.  We were going to have a fun afternoon in Omaha, go to the Katy Perry concert, have silly girl time, sleep late, shop, get a pedi, watch some football, and come home nice and relaxed!!  That was the plan.

A few months after plans were made reality set it.  Charli would have a soccer game at 9:30 Saturday morning.  So, I was just going to wake up and leave at 7:00 from Omaha.  I knew I would be tired and look a little rough, but I was okay with that!!  Fast forward a few weeks I get a note home from practice that soccer pictures were the day after the concert as well, and Charli would need to be at the field by 8:20.  Ugh, I finally decided it would be best to just spend the night rather than drive late (and let's be honest, I wanted to have a few drinks with my friends!).  I planned to set my alarm for an early 5 am to get home and get Charli ready for soccer.

Friday...concert day!!  I wake up sick!  UGH, this is NOT how this weekend was supposed to go!!!  I sucked down some hot chocolate, ate lots of fruits, drank some AirBorne, enjoyed a hot shower and hit the road!  I met some of my friends to shop for a bit, hit the hotel for some much needed girl time, we all got ready together like a bunch of highschoolers (which was a ton of fun!) and we took off for the concert! 

While standing outside of the concert hall, with about 4 minutes before Katy Perry was to start, my friend Jen came to me and said "you need to call Chad - Harper has been hurt.  It's for real, I have six messages about it Brenda.  You need to call.  Ugh, what do you mean "Harper has been hurt?"...he was home.  It had to be a joke.

I found a set of stairs to sit on and made the phone call...poor Chad.  He was stuck in the ER with a 5 year old and a 2-year old with a broken leg.  At this time Chad thought he needed surgery so I needed to find a way home.  My WONDERFUL friends were all ready to come to the rescue.  One of them offered to have her husband drive up to get me, another offered to drive me home, and finally a friend who was there with her daughter decided she would drive me home.  With my next call to Chad he had learned that Harper would NOT need surgery and that he would be admitted for the night.  I did not want my friend to miss the experience with her teenage daugther, so we stayed the 45 minutes for the concert to end and jetted out.  I made it to the hospital room around 12:30.  Linda has always been there to rescue me.

It was a LONG night of no sleep.

Saturday morning Harper's cast was set at 8am, by 9:15 we were by his side.  We could do this.  We were going to head home around noon.

At 12:30 we were able to have him unhooked from the IV's and we took him on a walk in a wagon.  Reality set in hardcore.  We could not pick him up.  I could not hold him.  I was not able to hug him.  I could not touch his skin.  I could not comfort him, in his time of pain.  We laid him down for a nap, Chad tried to rest too.

I found an empty room and cried.  Reality set in.
My pity party was answered with messages from close friends who reminded me that not only had we been through and seen worse, yet it was okay to be sad.  Later that afternoon we went home.  At bedtime I was reminded again that I could not even put him to bed, let alone attempt our typical routine. 

Sunday came, Chad went on with life like he always did...totally unphased and refusing to let this win!
Sunday night I was starting to feel better about life.  I decided to stay home Monday, but knew we would find a way to tackle this head on.  I found a way to get him in and out of bed...and found a way to hold him the best I can for now.

Tuesday rolled around and I was realizing how hard it was again...and just how simply sad it was!!  All two year olds are active little things...he is a second born two year old, which means he is full of spit and vinegar at all times!!  I miss that, I wish he could tear all those blankets and pillows out like I posted about a few weeks ago!!  Wednesday he went to a daycare center, and I worried that he would be easily forgotten, the kids may not tolerate his whining from not being able to be self sufficient.  It just hurt my heart that his life was turned upside down in the 2 seconds it took for him to fall off the couch. 

But, tonight, life is feeling better!!  He had a good day there, he played, he wasn't forgotten, he napped okay, and seemed happy!! 

Our lives will be altered greatly in the next FOUR to six weeks (I say that I am hoping for four weeks but planning for six, but lets be honest...if it is more than four weeks I will go crazy.  I will go even more crazy!).  But in the process I have, again, been reminded how amazing friends and family can be.  I know that we have friends who will hug when we need it, send cards to lift our spirits, and listen when I call/text to vent.  But what we experienced was more than I expected.

A great friend made a surprise visit to the hospital...friends sent texts to lift my spirits and give me the play by play of the moms weekend so I felt included, family took Charli in so that she wasn't stuck in the hospital with us.  On Sunday friends stopped by to play with both kids, giving Chad and I a few minutes to just have our hands free and our mind cleared, a friend took Charli to a soccer game to free up a few hours to work on Harper's comfort, and friends and family came to visit.  Chad's sister brought meals to provide for probably 8 nights!!  I walked into work to find a fun little basket of toys for Harper!!  I have sad several offers to help withthe kids, friends and family are making special pants/diaper covers so Harper stops flashing the entire world...and my wonderful Jen organized friends to provide meals for us twice a week for the next six weeks.  In Jen's word...everyone is helping a little to help A LOT.

I am overwhelmed just making a list of what everyone has done.  I am sure I have forgot someone or something that was done for us - but that does not mean it was not apprecaited!

So here I am 5 nights after the break, and a few things are still a struggle...Harper not sleeping for much longer than 30-45 minutes at night, holding him in a way which makes *me* feel good, and finding a balance for Charli between big sister, caregiver, and daughter!!  But, it is slowly coming together.  And, I just can't help but think, if it was only a few inches lower, this broken bone thing would be a "breeze"!!!!!!! 

I know that a broken leg, a 2 year old in a body cast, and sleepless nights are nothing in comparisson to what we faced with Charli, but some how this feels different. Maybe because he is older, maybe because the signs of his discomfort were immediate, or maybe it was because we already faced somethign like cancer with our oldest.  I am not sure the reason, but I know for a fact that I probably dealt wth the cancer better than I did the broken leg!!  (some have said it was because I already passed my tipping point!! -- and it that case I had to agree, because I tipped over to crazy-land!!)

The unknown is the hardest for me, so while we were in limbo of what life would be like, I guess I couldn't process it?!  Either way, I had great and amazing friends to keep me grounded and who let me know that it was okay to be a little crazy!!!

Thanks for all of you who have helped me process our new short-term reality.  It will be a long/short FOUR weeks, this is NOT life changing.  But, it IS another opportunity to say "this will make me or break me", and I will be damned if I am the person who survived my boyfriend fighting for his life while I was just a babe (a young 18 years!!) and various hiccups along the way, and a daughter who fought and beat cancer...but let a broken leg break her spirits!!  I will be the first to say, this sucks (lack of a better word in this situation, sorry!!) - but it is something we will dominate!!

Thanks for checking in on us...thanks for the prayers, and thanks for sticking with my rant tonight!!  Life is good, God is great...and friends are truly angels who God brings to us so we have arms to fall into when we are ready to break. 


  1. I love you Brenda Kay. :) Keep ur chin up. I thought about that today, that dealing with this in the literal day to day workings of it has to be a totally different story than when Charli was sick; and it's more than ok to rant/vent/cry/scream/freak/meltdown. Please know you can call/text me if you need anything!!!!

  2. Oh Brenda, Just say it, it does suck!!! I find myself saying that alot lately. I will pray extra hard for your little guy and you too. It is so hard to see your children uncomfortable. Big hugs to you guys....and try and stay sane!!